On Racism

I posted this on tumblr recently, and thought it might be great if I shared it on here as well, although, I doubt that anyone actually reads this. If you do, please let me know, I'd love to hear your feedback. You can follow me on twitter here. Anyhow, here was my post, titled "On Racism":

It’s prevalent, it’s everywhere, and it’s our sad reality. I’m lucky. I live in Canada, and for the most part, we are a very diverse and accepting community of people. Honestly, I myself have never been subjected to racism…directly. Indirectly, who knows? And just because it may have never happened to me, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen. 

Much like homophobia or sexism, I’ve spent a lot of time pondering about racism. Why does it happen? Is it pure hatred? Is it fear? Is it how we were raised? Is it purely ignorance? And each time, I’ve tried to come up with an excuse as to why someone might be racist towards another person or group of people. Why make up an excuse for them? Because I can’t believe that people can be so hateful and bigoted…there must be another reason. But each time I could find an excuse, it just would never hold strong enough to justify it.

I think the biggest argument I had for them, was that maybe it wasn’t their fault, maybe they didn’t know this was bad. Perhaps they have been brought up to think that this was the right way of thinking, and just wasn’t educated on the subject and these issues. 

Then I realize that we live in an age where we literally have access to libraries of information at our very fingertips. And that these people have a choice to learn, to equip themselves with the knowledge about other cultures, and tolerance, and diversity. And that no matter how one is raised, they have the choice to defy the conventions of their childhood to do what is right, morally, for others, as humans. 

So…I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no excuse for these people. My hope is that one day they’ll come to the realization that there’s a chance to change their ways. Maybe one day we’ll live in a world without seeing race, colour, location, language, sex, gender, age, or wealth as barriers but rather as an opportunity to learn, engage, and to share a multitude of experiences together. 

"Straight Thin, but Gay Fat."

This picture, a still from the television show American Dad, is a great way to explain how I feel when I "traverse" from the straight world to the gay world. Most people would probably disagree with me and say that there isn't a difference, and that we live in one world, etc, etc. But I disagree. 

As a young gay man, I often find myself in situations where I am surrounded by strictly straight people, and at other times, strictly surrounded by gay people. And this isn't a bad thing, not at all. But I do find that each group has different standards. My friends, straight ones, will always tell me, oh you're such a catch, you're smart, funny, mature, good-looking, etc. (I relish that last one). And I thank them for their compliments, but I am only a really great catch in the straight world. If I were straight, I'd easily be in a relationship with a young woman, who is as mature, and smart and funny as I am. But I'm not straight.

In the gay world, my kind of funny is dull. There is an abundance of funny people in the gay world, mostly because they are so free to do or say what they'd like, almost to the point where there is no filter, hence laughter mostly likely ensues. In the gay world, I'm barely funny, maybe not even a little bit. 

In terms of being smart? Well, that's not always at the top of the pyramid of things you look for in a gay guy. It may be for some, but I find that gay guys are typically, and I'm generalizing here, so I apologize in advance, but I do think that we lean towards superficial tendencies. The hotter and the younger you are, the more points you hold over others as a gay man. Again, as the above picture says, "I'm straight thin, but I'm gay fat". It resonates.

And so a few weekends ago, Calgary celebrated Pride. It was great, lots of fanfare; both the Mayor and the Premier of Alberta joined the festivities and was probably the biggest pride event in Calgary yet. During this time, I found myself immersed more so in the gay world, than any other day or weekend of the year, and I have never felt my confidence drop so low. 

I'm in my mid twenties, but never felt so much older. I have a budding career, but never felt so inadequate. I'm sorry I'm not 20 anymore, and that I don't have 0% body fat, and that I don't work at Zara. It's ridiculous. And what was even more ridiculous was the fact that I let myself feel the way that I did. 

For now, I am moving past that, and pushing ahead...I have dreams and I want to achieve them. Who cares if these gay guys consider me less of a catch...well I do...but I can't help it. Maybe one day, I'll find someone who isn't looking for a young 20 yr old to have sex with, and actually be looking for a meaningful relationship. When that will be, who knows...

Wrong Message

So a few days ago, I was made aware that one of my friends, someone I could say is a truly good friend of mine had been under the impression that I liked them...in a romantic way.

I was, to say the least, baffled by the impression that he got from our friendship. I immediately said no, just to clear up any misconceptions. And to be honest, I really hadn't thought of him in that way. First off, he is my one and only real gay friend. And why would I jeopardize that? I already have the hardest time making friends with other gay guys (and to this day, I really don't have a clue why), and our friendship means more to me than a romantic relationship could at this point in my life.

When I asked him as to why he thought this, he just answered me by saying that because I'm "so nice". Well thanks, but just because I'm nice to you, doesn't mean I want to get you into bed. I mean, I thought he would know me better by now. But then again, who knows, maybe I was sending the wrong message all this time.

Besides, now that I've thought about it, he and I would never work. We are too different and are both extremely stubborn. We would fight all the time. The only thing that's preventing us from doing that now, is the fact that we are just friends and therefore don't have the right to be upset over the tiny little petty things that we find irritating about each other.

Hopefully, since we've had that discussion that we've cleared everything up, and there's no more confusion or misconceptions.

Not Good With Words

I'm really not good with words...not the right ones anyway. I mumble, and tumble, and go blank at trying to find the right words to say at times. I know what to say, that's not the problem, it's actually coming out and saying it, that's my issue.

So I created this...to hopefully have an outlet to let out those words that I have such a difficult time saying, and hoping that I'll have an easier time writing it. I once had a similar outlet, and almost daily it became an anchor for me, scribbling my fears, letting out my frustrations, writing about my thoughts and letting others simply read through and finally I felt like what I really wanted to say was being understood the way I meant it to be understood. And for a bit, I stopped, going through so many different changes in my life. And again, lately I feel like I'm at the same point, where I am silencing myself to my own detriment, for the sake of others, to avoid being judged or ostracized.

My hopes are that I find solace in writing once again, while at the same time create a space for me to be free to think what I think, and love what I love, and say what I want to say.

Yours,

Paolo