Wrong Message

So a few days ago, I was made aware that one of my friends, someone I could say is a truly good friend of mine had been under the impression that I liked them...in a romantic way.

I was, to say the least, baffled by the impression that he got from our friendship. I immediately said no, just to clear up any misconceptions. And to be honest, I really hadn't thought of him in that way. First off, he is my one and only real gay friend. And why would I jeopardize that? I already have the hardest time making friends with other gay guys (and to this day, I really don't have a clue why), and our friendship means more to me than a romantic relationship could at this point in my life.

When I asked him as to why he thought this, he just answered me by saying that because I'm "so nice". Well thanks, but just because I'm nice to you, doesn't mean I want to get you into bed. I mean, I thought he would know me better by now. But then again, who knows, maybe I was sending the wrong message all this time.

Besides, now that I've thought about it, he and I would never work. We are too different and are both extremely stubborn. We would fight all the time. The only thing that's preventing us from doing that now, is the fact that we are just friends and therefore don't have the right to be upset over the tiny little petty things that we find irritating about each other.

Hopefully, since we've had that discussion that we've cleared everything up, and there's no more confusion or misconceptions.

Not Good With Words

I'm really not good with words...not the right ones anyway. I mumble, and tumble, and go blank at trying to find the right words to say at times. I know what to say, that's not the problem, it's actually coming out and saying it, that's my issue.

So I created this...to hopefully have an outlet to let out those words that I have such a difficult time saying, and hoping that I'll have an easier time writing it. I once had a similar outlet, and almost daily it became an anchor for me, scribbling my fears, letting out my frustrations, writing about my thoughts and letting others simply read through and finally I felt like what I really wanted to say was being understood the way I meant it to be understood. And for a bit, I stopped, going through so many different changes in my life. And again, lately I feel like I'm at the same point, where I am silencing myself to my own detriment, for the sake of others, to avoid being judged or ostracized.

My hopes are that I find solace in writing once again, while at the same time create a space for me to be free to think what I think, and love what I love, and say what I want to say.

Yours,

Paolo